Inspired by a TV show.

I am watching a programme called "Tear, Tiaras and Transexuals" and its really making me think about how females are treated, transexual or natural females theres no difference, but it made me think how we are treated like we are ignorent because of how some females act.

Ok this sounds very strange, but theres a split between the transexuals in this programme which is about a transexual beauty pageant. One side wear clothes that bearly cover, flash their boobs around, and dance and parade around like they are asking for sex and it makes them look stupid and fake. It is the same with girls anywhere around the world. There are girls that do the same who were born female! This is what makes us seem bad, but shit they can do what they want, as long as they want it and are happy. I want to come across as an intellegent, happy, ambitious girl. I couldnt imagine walking around wearing slutty outfits and putting myself on a plate for sex. Its awful. It makes me feel ill.

The other side to the split are the girls who feel the same as me, and I really really respect them. I see them as girls, and not men who dress as women. I think they are beautiful.

What I have just ranted about just shows how these women ARE women. They act the same as stupid girls these days and also intellegent ones too!

Makes me so mad! I hope one of the intellegent girls wins the pageant, but at the end of the day they dont need that!

Rant over, I feel better now.

Positive For Once.

"Worried about the time slipping away un-used."

I have neglected this for a while, forgotten how good it feels to type how I feel and what I want to portray. Here I go again...

A lot of things have happened over the past few months, it seemed to be all bad until recently where I could screw my head back onto my shoulders and think like an adult. I am so uncontrollably excited about university, met some cool people going in September already and my house & housemates are all sorted. I think me and Lisa are going to end up being together a lot because we are on the same course and get on so well, and I cant wait to spend some more time with her!
One complication I had with starting university was, well I call it a complication, it was more of a complicated miracle..but the problem was Kerry, my best friend in the world, the girl who makes me feel better then any boy ever could was due to have her baby Emi the day after I start university. However this problem is now solved, as she had Emi 3 months early. Shes such a little fighter already and shes so amazing, I cant wait to meet her. I wouldn't have minded giving up some of freshers week for her but turns out she wanted to see the world earlier than she was supposed to. I have not had a chance to go to Reading to meet her and see Kerry & Tony yet because of lack of funds and Emi is being shipped off to Oxford and back a lot for an operation so there hasn't been a clear day where I could have gone. Kerry's mum, well...just mum to me now shes helped me out for so long, has said if she gets a spare seat in her car I can go with her, but if not I'm more than happy to get the train, ill do anything to see Emi and Kerry ASAP!
So that's one reason why I'm happy & extremely proud of my Kerry.

Another reason is a bit more trivial. My motivation has been at rock bottom for a long time now, making my artwork and writing suffer majorly, however recently my inspiration has come back, thanks to a collection of things.

1. The Science Of Sleep.

Matt kindly lent me this film, and I have fallen in love with it [and also the main character haha!]. It is an amazing film combining so many techniques and ideas together successfully and is just a very interesting film to watch. The film is about a man called "Stephane", I forgot to mention the film is set in France, made by a French director & uses a lot of French in the dialogue with English subtitles. Stephane moves back to France from Mexico after his father dies, and he has trouble distinguishing between dreams and reality. He moves opposite a girl called Stephanie and it tells of their relationship and how his mind works. I recommend it to anyone, you have to watch it a couple of times to completely understand some bits though!

2. New Goals.

After watching The Science Of Sleep I remembered how much French I learnt in school, I took it for GCSE and got a C [which is an amazing feat as I wasn't very good and hardly attended the lessons] and I found a new motivation to learn more French over the summer and hopefully visit France next year. So I have downloaded a lot of podcasts, dug out my old exercise books and am speaking to my friend Aida who I lost contact with in the midst of exams. Aida lives near Paris and has said she will show me around when I visit and also help me with my French if I help with her English, which she doesn't need much as she is near fluent anyway! I want to be able to speak French that fluently. Would be so amazing. She also introduced me to a band called "Tryo" who are absolutely fantastic. Ok so I don't understand most of what they sing, but the music is so different and fantastic, they would be amazing to see live. From what I can gather they are a in a genre of their own, however there is a bit of jazz, blues, ska & traditional french influence within their songs. I have fallen in love with a song called "Serre-Moi" which means "Hold Me" and this has influenced me a lot today..

3. Today Of All Days.

Today I woke up at 8 thinking I was supposed to be in college at half past 9 handing in all of my work and setting up my final piece ready for the examiner, so I was pretty panicky. My phone was cut off overnight for no apparent reason as well, and T-Mobile put a content block on my internet because they thought I was under 18...However dad was good and sorted this all out so now my phone is back to normal. So I couldn't text or call Lisa off my phone to see if I had the right day, and because it was morning I completely forgot I owned a house phone. So I was blindly running around the house looking for a letter saying important dates and as usual it was no where to be seen. Then remembering the house phone I rung Lisa and she assured me I have until Wednesday to finish my work - Phew! We ended up having a lovely hour conversation about university, drinking and embarrassing things we do when we are drunk, so I started the morning in a good mood. By this time it was too late to go back to bed, so I stayed up and I am so glad that I did. I have realised how much of the day I waste when I sleep until 11/12, I was so motivated this morning and I don't get that when I wake up that late - Time to change my sleeping pattern I think!
So I got up, had some green tea, and decided to do some work. I put my duvet on the floor and dug out all my art supplies and all day I have been listening to Tryo, cutting out photos from magazines and talking to people from other countries on interpals.
So I have had a very happy day.

___

Later on I think I am going to learn some French, watch a film and eat pizza!
So that's about it, from now on I have vowed to keep this motivation going, and to not give up on French or myself however long it takes to succeed!

___

"j'ai trouvé des amis"
I found some friends.
- Tryo.
...........

I will be writing more poetry & lyrics soon :)

My Growing Anger.

Even when big things have gone really well, I am into University, I got a job and other such great things; things still bring me down.

I just wanted things to start going right for me, I am getting angry at people I shouldnt & things are just so damn hard sometimes.

Maybe it is just me, I know I can deal with it so I guess its good I get some rubbish, and not someone really weak. I know I moan about it a lot, theres something always up, but its my way of thinking things through. I wish I came with a manual or something...

"How to understand the inner thoughts of the Lizi"

Would have to be given out to the world through their letterboxes, like the swine flu information booklets.

I have no idea who would write it though - because I don't even understand myself so I don't think I could write it.

That's the least of my problems though.
Who would of thought getting to reading to see your pregnant best friend would be so damn hard?

That's all I am going to say.
I am off to write some inspirational lyrics, statements and ramblings.

I guess I can let you guys into a lil preview of one.

"Love is as much about sacrifice as it is gain - if you are willing to sacrifice something for another person in your life & they in turn are willing to do so back, then the gain will be greater than what was lost."

Peace out.

Things are strange for me at the moment..

SO many feelings, so little energy and tolerance to deal with them all.

Why is it that negative feelings, however trivial, always out do the great feelings and make you feel awful? It just makes no sense.

So I got into art school, unconditional offer from my first [and only] choice which I have been fretting about for YEARS, and thats not exaggerated. From the beginning of my education in upper school - maybe even before, I knew I wanted to go to art school. My sister got a masters in portsmouth and LOVED it, and I guess thats where I get my influence from. Getting accepted made me so happy, and it just happened that one of the first people I tell and wanted them to be proud of me - of course after my dad and Kerry is the main reason I am so fed up of everything right now... ANYWAY - in conclusion, I was over the god damn bloody moon, and I guess I still am to be honest.

The second most amazing news everywhere I STILL can't discuss anywhere on the internet - so will have to save that for another blog. However it is yet another reason why I should be THRILLED, and don't get me wrong - I am.

It only takes one stupid thing to get me on a downer. Relationships should be banned until ready to reproduce. Male species should be educated on how to be brilliant and not suck and upset you, or maybe just be kept in cages. Its not just this relationship ending, its just the fact its happened to me before, and this time I thought it was going ok. I am a f**king idiot though...

Anyway - I am on the mend, making things, singing again, learning, reading, playing computer games, and seeing old friends. In a way it is better for me, but now there is something missing and I have to rearrange my already knotted up thread resembling life and fill the gaps.

Shouldnt be too hard, but still upsetting.

I am a strong girl and I would rather stick pins in my eyes and eat my own arms then let a guy mess up my life...So -

NEHH!

haha.

Fin.